We Need to Talk

NARRATOR:
New Year’s Day.
The museum is quiet the way a room gets quiet after somebody says,
“We need to talk.”

Last night the toys lit up the patio with fireworks—
and the Director lit up the Night Watchman with consequences.

And now… here is the night watchmen

NIGHT WATCHMAN (low, to himself):
Okay.
I’m not breaking in.
I’m… returning property.
And maybe… returning hope.

NARRATOR:
He’s been fired.
But he came anyway—because when you care about a place,
you don’t stop caring just because someone took your badge.

SFX: the door to the office of the director of the museum opens. A chair scoots. Papers shuffle.

DIRECTOR (off, mild but firm):
Mr. night watchman, I wondered if you’d show up to see me.

NIGHT WATCHMAN (startled):
Sir—! I— I can explain—

DIRECTOR:
Good.
Because I have a clipboard, three forms, and a pen that has already forgiven me for what I’m about to do.

Transcript

New Year’s Episode — We Need to Talk

A Celebrate Creativity / Conversations with Toys script
SERIES DISCLAIMER (Host reads quickly, warm but clear)
Toys and other objects it's not a documentary 
This podcast is a dramatization that blends historical research with fiction, satire, and imagined conversations between people, toys, and other objects. It is not a documentary and not professional advice of any kind. No character, toy, product, or brand depicted in this podcast is authorized by, endorsed by, or officially affiliated with any company, manufacturer, museum, or organization; references to specific names are for storytelling only and do not imply sponsorship or approval.

I’m George Bartley… now let’s have some fun.

NARRATOR:
New Year’s Day.
The museum is quiet the way a room gets quiet after somebody says,
“We need to talk.”

Last night the toys lit up the patio with fireworks—
and the Director lit up the Night Watchman with consequences.

And now… here is the night watchmen

NIGHT WATCHMAN (low, to himself):
Okay.
I’m not breaking in.
I’m… returning property.
And maybe… returning hope.

NARRATOR:
He’s been fired.
But he came anyway—because when you care about a place,
you don’t stop caring just because someone took your badge.

SFX: the door to the office of the director of the museum opens. A chair scoots. Papers shuffle.

DIRECTOR (off, mild but firm):
Mr. night watchman, I wondered if you’d show up to see me.

NIGHT WATCHMAN (startled):
Sir—! I— I can explain—

DIRECTOR:
Good.
Because I have a clipboard, three forms, and a pen that has already forgiven me for what I’m about to do.

SFX: Clipboard tap. Paper shuffle.

NARRATOR:
The Director is the kind of man who says “good morning”
like it’s a policy manual.
Comically strict—
but he’s never been cruel.

DIRECTOR:
For the record, I am not angry.
I am… professionally alarmed.

NIGHT WATCHMAN:
That’s fair.

DIRECTOR:
Last night, we had fireworks.
On museum property.
On the patio.

NIGHT WATCHMAN:
Yes, sir.

DIRECTOR:
In the vicinity of… priceless artifacts.
And by “priceless,” I mean “expensively insured,” which is not the same thing, but it’s adjacent.

NIGHT WATCHMAN:
I know.

DIRECTOR (sighs, kind):
I like you.
I do.
You’ve been reliable. You’ve been kind.
You’ve treated the exhibits with… unusual respect.
And you have an excellent sense of humor.

NIGHT WATCHMAN:
Thank you, sir.

DIRECTOR:
But I have a Board.
I have rules.
And I have a phone that received seventeen messages before midnight,
and twelve more after midnight,
which means the new year began with my voicemail filing a complaint.

SFX: Paper flip. Pen click.

DIRECTOR:
Here is the termination form.
Here is the “return of keys” form.
Here is the form that says, “Please don’t sue us,”
which is—astonishingly—real.


NIGHT WATCHMAN (quiet):
Sir… please.

DIRECTOR (softening, but still strict):
I’m listening.

NIGHT WATCHMAN:
If I can prove it wasn’t… my doing.
If I can show you what really happened…
could you reconsider?

DIRECTOR:
If you can prove it, I will consider it.
Because I am strict, not heartless.
There is a difference.
And I would like that difference engraved on a plaque.

NARRATOR:
The Night Watchman looks down the long hallway of exhibits—
all those shelves, all those toys—
and realizes the only witnesses…
…are the ones no one believes in.

NIGHT WATCHMAN (to Director):
I can prove it.
But I need… help.

DIRECTOR:
From whom?

NIGHT WATCHMAN (a beat):
From the exhibits.

DIRECTOR:
I beg your pardon.

NIGHT WATCHMAN:
The toys.

DIRECTOR:
You are saying… the toys.
The objects.
The— the— (searching)— the non-union plastic.

NIGHT WATCHMAN:
Yes, sir.

DIRECTOR (comically careful):
All right.
I’m going to ask this politely, because I am a nice man.
Are you having… a New Year’s Day episode?

NIGHT WATCHMAN:
No, sir.

DIRECTOR:
Are you sleep-deprived?

NIGHT WATCHMAN:
Probably, sir.

DIRECTOR:
Are you about to tell me something that will require… paperwork?

NIGHT WATCHMAN:
Definitely, sir.

DIRECTOR (deep breath):
Proceed.

SFX: Footsteps as the Night Watchman walks toward the exhibits. The Director follows at a cautious distance, clipboard ready.

NARRATOR:
This is the moment.
The moment where a man who has learned a secret
has to say it out loud…
to someone who loves rules.

NIGHT WATCHMAN (soft, to the exhibits):
Okay.
Everybody… I need you.

SFX: A faint rustle on a shelf. Something small shifts.

NIGHT WATCHMAN:
And I’m not going to demand.
I’m not going to order.

(he swallows)

NIGHT WATCHMAN:
Please.

DIRECTOR (under his breath, still kind):
If something answers you, I want you to know…
I will remain polite.
But I will also faint professionally.

NIGHT WATCHMAN (clear, “official” voice):
New Museum Rule for Talking Toys.
If you’re going to speak in front of the Director, we do it properly.

One: Say your name.
Two: Say what exhibit you belong to.
Three: Say why you’re speaking—one sentence.

We do not want to confuse the nice man with the clipboard.
Are we ready?

SFX: Soft toy murmurs. A couple of tiny “yes” noises. A squeak.

DIRECTOR (trying to keep up):
I am… going to write down that I just heard a chorus of agreement - or something like it -from aisle three.

SFX: Pen scribble.

NARRATOR:
One by one, the exhibits do something no policy manual prepared him for.

They introduce themselves.

1) SLINKY
SFX: A gentle springy “slink-slink” as Slinky shifts forward.

SLINKY (warm, simple):
My name is Slinky.
I’m from the Classic Toys aisle.
I’m speaking because the Night Watchman always comes back for us…
so today, we’re coming back for him.

DIRECTOR (soft, moved despite himself):
That was… concise.
Thank you.

DIRECTOR (scribbles):
“Witness: Slinky. Statement: loyal. Also… gravity-defying.”
And I can't believe that I am writing down words that are toy just told me.

2) TEDDY BEAR
TEDDY BEAR (gentle):
My name is Teddy Bear.
I’m from the Comfort & Companion exhibit.
I’m speaking because he talks to us when the world is quiet,
and nobody should be punished for keeping company with the lonely.

DIRECTOR (quiet):
That is… unexpectedly beautiful.
Also alarming - to hear words from a teddy bear.

3) SQUISHMALLOWS
SQUISHMALLOWS (cheery, group vibe):
Hi! My name is Squishmallows.
We’re from the Cozy Modern Plush display.
We’re speaking because we witnessed the patio incident and would like to submit…
a formal apology… wrapped in softness.

DIRECTOR:
Is the apology… scented?

SQUISHMALLOWS:
Only emotionally.

DIRECTOR (scribbles):
“Apology: emotional. Liability: unclear.”

4) EXPLODING PIGEON
SFX: A comedic “coo” followed by a tiny “POP!” (very small, safe sound).
EXPLODING PIGEON (dramatic, fast):
My name is Exploding Pigeon!
I’m from the Absurd Comedy Corner!
I’m speaking because everyone assumes I caused the fireworks—
and for once…
I DIDN’T.

DIRECTOR:
I appreciate your restraint.
Please do not demonstrate your product feature.

EXPLODING PIGEON:
No promises—
I mean— yes, sir.
Apologies.

DRAGON TRANSPORTER (bold, heroic):
My name is Hot Wheels Ultimate Dual Dragon Transporter.
I’m from the Vehicles & Big Imagination exhibit.
I’m speaking because the Night Watchman did not ignite the fireworks.
He attempted crowd control.
I, personally, respect crowd control—
though I am also a dragon.

DIRECTOR:
Noted.

DIRECTOR (scribbles):
“Witness: Dragon Transporter. Surprisingly pro-safety.”

6) BLUEY GROCERY STORE
SFX: Tiny register beep. A little shopping cart rattle.

BLUEY GROCERY STORE (bright, helpful):
My name is Bluey Grocery Store.
I’m from the Pretend Play Marketplace.
I’m speaking because the Night Watchman tried to negotiate.
He offered alternatives!
He suggested… confetti.

DIRECTOR:
Confetti is… sweeping.
But it is not arson.

BLUEY GROCERY STORE:
Exactly!

7) BARBIE
BARBIE (calm, leader):
My name is Barbie.
I’m from the Fashion & Cultural Icons exhibit.
I’m speaking because the Night Watchman consistently treats us like we have stories,
not just packaging.



And last night—
when the fireworks began—
he didn’t cheer.
He protected.

DIRECTOR (softening):
That is what I hoped you’d say.
I mean—
that is… relevant.

SFX: A tiny plastic shift; he clears his throat like he’s about to deliver a press conference.

KEN (earnest):
My name is Ken.
I’m from the Fashion & Cultural Icons exhibit.
I’m speaking because—this is important—
the Night Watchman told us “no,”
and then stayed with us anyway,
which is the definition of responsible.
Also, he said “please” this morning.
And I respect manners.
I am… Ken.
I have standards.

DIRECTOR:
You certainly do.

SFX: Little LEGO clicks. A tiny “snap” as a piece adjusts.

PANDA FAMILY (gentle, slightly formal):
My name is the LEGO Wild Animals: Panda Family.
We’re from the Building & Nature exhibit.
We’re speaking because the Night Watchman is… patient.
Also, last night he tried to build a “safe perimeter” out of velvet rope.
We admire construction efforts.


DIRECTOR:
I also admire velvet rope.
It has boundaries.

10) ALPHABET BLOCKS
ALPHABET BLOCKS (choral, crisp):
We are the Alphabet Blocks.
We belong to the Learning & Letters exhibit.
We are speaking because the key word today is:

ALPHABET BLOCKS (spell, with each block clack):
P.
L.
E.
A.
S.
E.

SFX: Block clack on each letter.

DIRECTOR (caught, smiling despite himself):
That is… shockingly persuasive.
I dislike how persuasive that was.

SHAKESPEARE (grand, playful):
My name is William Shakespeare—
Action Figure, with quill.
I’m from the Literary Legends display.
I speak because the Night Watchman is, in truth,
a man sore tried by fate, yet constant in his post.

Therefore I loose my wooden tongue to air,
And lend him fellowship ’gainst weary hours;
For watchfulness is battle without drums,
And faith must have a friend to keep it bright.



So do I break my stillness into speech,
To warm the cold seam of the midnight watch;
For even a constant heart may ache unseen,
And kindness is the cloak of steadfast men.

Why, then I speak—ay, though I’m but carved small—
To keep his spirits from a sullen fog;
For silence is a tyrant after twelve,
And talk, a cup that puts the frost to flight.

Come, Night Watchman: stand and be not spent.
The stones have ears, and I have words enough.
If Fate hath pinch’d thee, yet thy post holds fast—
Then let my speech be lantern to thy will.

So let my tongue, with sovereign art endow’d,
Make of thy lonely duty something proud.

Applause. Bravo

Alas, the patio last night?
A tragedy.
But a comedy too, if performed with proper timing.

DIRECTOR:
Please don’t make this a five-act firing.

SHAKESPEARE:
Too late, sir.
We are already in Act Two.

12) EDGAR ALLAN POE ACTION FIGURE (WITH RAVEN)
SFX: A soft “caw.” A subtle spooky chord (optional).

POE (low, poetic):
My name is Edgar Allan Poe… with Raven.
I’m also from the Literary Legends display.
I speak because midnight is my domain,
and unjust consequences are… my specialty.

The Night Watchman did not summon chaos.
He endured it.
That is a different kind of courage.

RAVEN (quick, comedic):
Nevermore… firing!

DIRECTOR (dry):
I’m not taking legal advice from a bird.

13) BETSY WETSY
SFX: Soft doll cloth rustle. A faint “baby doll” mechanism click (very subtle).

BETSY WETSY (sweet, sincere):
My name is Betsy Wetsy.
I’m from the Vintage Dolls exhibit.
I’m speaking because he checks on us.
He talks softly.
He doesn’t laugh at our age.
He doesn’t call us “creepy.”

And last night, when the fireworks started—
he stood between the noise and the museum,
like a parent.

DIRECTOR (quiet):
That… matters.

SFX: Cube twists. Click-click.

RUBIK’S CUBE (wry, analytical):
My name is Rubik’s Cube.
I’m from the Puzzles & Patterns exhibit.
I’m speaking because the situation has been… mis-solved.

Facts:
One— fireworks occurred.
Two— the Night Watchman did not initiate them.
Three— he attempted corrective action.
Conclusion: firing him is an incorrect solution.

DIRECTOR:
You sound like my accountant.

RUBIK’S CUBE:
Thank you.
That is the meanest compliment I’ve ever received.

15) ELF ON THE SHELF
SFX: A tiny mischievous jingle bell. Soft fabric shift.

ELF (cheery, conspiratorial):
My name is Elf on the Shelf.
I’m from the Holiday Traditions corner.
I’m speaking because…
I’ve been watching.

That’s my whole thing.

And I can confirm:
the Night Watchman tried to stop the patio party,
but also didn’t shame anyone for wanting joy.

DIRECTOR:
Your job is… surveillance?

ELF:
Festive surveillance!

DIRECTOR:
We will… discuss this with Human Resources.

16) FURBY
SFX: A little electronic chirp. Then a breath like he’s choosing his words.

FURBY (warm, slightly funny, now clearer English):
As you know… I am Furby.
I’m from the Electronics shelf.
I’m speaking because… last night was loud.
Too loud.

Night Watchman tried to stop.
He say, “No. Dangerous.”
Then today… he say… (proudly) “Please.”
So we speak.
Because “please” is magic word.
Not fireworks word.

DIRECTOR (genuinely touched):
All right.
That—
that was… unexpectedly wise for something with batteries.

NARRATOR:
The Director stands in the middle of a room full of witnesses
who technically do not exist in any of his policies.
And yet—
here they are.

DIRECTOR (slow, careful):
I want everyone to understand something.
I am a strict man.
I believe in rules.
I believe in closing procedures.
I believe in not turning the patio into a… celebratory war zone.

(softens)
But I also believe in fairness.

NIGHT WATCHMAN (hopeful):
Sir…

DIRECTOR:
Last night, I fired you because I thought you had enabled it.
Because someone is responsible when chaos happens on their watch.
(beat)
But these statements… indicate you tried to prevent it.

DIRECTOR (to toys, formal):
Thank you toys for your… testimonies.
You have followed procedure better than some adults I know.

SFX: A tiny pleased murmur from the toys.

DIRECTOR (to Night Watchman):
Which leaves me with two problems.
One: the Board.
Two: the fact that I am currently speaking to a Stinky.

SLINKY (proud):
Slinky!

DIRECTOR:
Yes.
Thank you.

DIRECTOR:
Why did they speak now?

NIGHT WATCHMAN (honest):
Because I asked.
And because I said… please.

DIRECTOR (quiet, kind):
You realize you’re telling me you have built—
through patience—
a relationship with the exhibits.

NIGHT WATCHMAN:
Yes, sir.

DIRECTOR:
And you’re telling me…
that relationship is why this museum is… calmer.
Kinder.
Safer.

NIGHT WATCHMAN:
It can be.
If we do it right.

DIRECTOR (a tiny smile):
You know, I have a plaque in my office that says,
“Leadership is influence.”
I always assumed it applied to donors.
Turns out… it applies to plush animals and literary figures.

POE (murmurs):
We are influential.

RAVEN:
Caw.

SFX: Paper shuffle. The Director flips to a new form.

DIRECTOR:
I am going to do something that will make the Board unhappy,
and my insurance agent briefly faint.

I am reinstating you.

NIGHT WATCHMAN (relieved):
Thank you.

DIRECTOR (holds up finger):
Probation.

NIGHT WATCHMAN:
Absolutely.

DIRECTOR:
And we are adding a new museum policy effective immediately.

(he clears throat, as if reading a proclamation)

DIRECTOR:
“Patio Celebrations Policy:
No fireworks.
No pyrotechnics.
No ‘just one little sparkler.’
No dragon-assisted launches.
No celebratory detonations of any kind.”

EXPLODING PIGEON (offended):
Define “celebratory.”

DIRECTOR:
Do not make me define words on a holiday.

DIRECTOR (continues):
“Alternative celebrations permitted:
confetti inside a designated sweep zone,
party horns at a volume that does not register on seismographs,
and a countdown conducted at a respectful indoor decibel level.”

BLUEY GROCERY STORE:
We can do a countdown! We have a tiny microphone!

DIRECTOR:
Wonderful.
A tiny microphone is the most legally acceptable kind.

DIRECTOR (to Night Watchman, warm):
And… I’m glad you came back this morning.
A man who runs away from embarrassment is common.

A man who returns to set things right—
even after being fired—
is… valuable.

NIGHT WATCHMAN:
Thank you, sir.

SFX: The Director’s footsteps recede. An office door closes. Quiet returns—but friendlier.

NARRATOR:
The museum exhales.
For the first time since last night,
no one is bracing for consequences.

Only… beginnings.

NIGHT WATCHMAN (turns to toys):
Okay.
We did it the right way.
We spoke respectfully.
We followed procedure.

Now…
if we’re going to do this year right…
What do we say? Remember first introduce yourself and then say the magic word.

ALPHABET BLOCKS (clacking, delighted):
We are the alphabet blocks.
P—L—E—A—S—E!

TEDDY BEAR:
I am the teddy bear
Please.

SLINKY:.
I am slinky
Please.

BARBIE:
I am Barbie.
Please.

KEN:
I am ken.
Please.

POE (dramatic):
And I am Edgar Allan Poe with my Raven evermore.
Please.

RAVEN:
Please-more!

NIGHT WATCHMAN (laughs):
Close enough.

FURBY (bright, clear):
I am Barbie
PLEASE!

SFX: A tiny, non-firework celebration: a soft party horn, gentle claps, maybe a single “confetti pop” far away.

NARRATOR:
And so the museum begins the new year with a word
small enough to whisper…
…and powerful enough to save a job.

OPTIONAL MUSIC: Warm, hopeful theme rises, then fades.

NIGHT WATCHMAN: “All right. First new rule of the year?”
ALL TOYS: “PLEASE!”
NIGHT WATCHMAN: “Second new rule?”
EXPLODING PIGEON: “No fireworks… please.”